Thu, Oct. 26th, 2006, 12:18 am
I know that i am a live more then ever, because i feel the pain that only one feels when they are living. Have I truly lived? Have i truly loved? I'd like to say yes to both. All i know is that the pain consumes me, and this is the first time in my life that i have yet to numb it. I haven't eatten in three days, I can't sleep, and i learned that waffles can't be cooked after so long. I am in desperate need of some help, but i won't allow anyone to help the suffering. This is how it should be, this is what it is. The battle is over, i my self, am the weary soldier at rest. Whats the next step now, i am unsure of. All i know is that i need to take a step, and hopefully, it will be a constructive one. There are only so many more days of not eatting i can handle before i wont get out of bed. I have already cried all the tears i can shed. I have lost. My life needs to find a new direction, one less consumed with other peoples feelings and more so whats going on with me now. Who am i? Its an excellent question. I used to know who i was. I was fun loving and carefree. Now i am consumed with pain. What will come when the pain subsides. What is there to do after this black cloud clears? Who will i be? What will define me? Leaving the state is looking better then ever. But then that would just mean that i am running away. Oh how i wish i could run as far away as i can.
I went out with Mr. Moore tonight to hang out.. And we decided to hit up the hookah lounge...
But first we had to eat, cause i get sick if i dont eat before smoking hookah.
So we go to taco bell, which tasted good, and we made friends with some people who were working...
We get to the hookah lounge.. and chris and his posse are there, and then pretty much everyone else and their mom.
So we got a table with chris outside(thats right because there was no space inside, because everyone and their mom is there)...
Well of course outside, i have a middle school reunion(which is always *fun* <--- insert sarcasm here)... and heck people we know from chillin at the lounge... and people i played basketball with ect.......
So we are all chill... and its getting cold so Brett and I decide to bounce...
Well of course i take ONE LAST DRAG... before we go... and then i start to feel it... and i am like shhhhhhhhhitttttttt...
So we drive home in brett's bumpy jeep.. and i get out and i can barely move... so i am like dude.. I am going to go home...
I dont even know how i was able to drive home.
I got home and the rest was history.
I dont even think that i have every puked that much in my LIFE. no joke. no over exaggerating (well maybe there was this one time with rum and coke... and a long night of hair holding up..but thats beside the point)... in the last 5 years.. this is the most i have ever puked.
My body just cant take fast food anymore, to much eating right, and working out.
So now i am sitting here bored, and eating crackers.. in hopes of not throwing them up in the near future.
I am off to bed.
Wow.. So last night was not so fun..
I did get to hang out with Matt, but danielle was there too. and it just didn't go as i would have planned.
He asks me how i can do it. I honestly have no idea. I dont know. I dont know if i honestly care or not.
Oh drug induced drama how i loath thee.
But the good that came of it was talking on the phone with him for hellza hours, watching the sun rise, and playing with the most adorable kitten alive.. ever.
Today was a chill day, that consisted of coffee to help my head, and sleep.. and avoiding everyone.
I need to take a shower, when do dont sleep for 24 hours some reason you are more icky then when you do actually sleep.
This honestly makes no sence to me. None. But what can you do.
I wrote a rant last night. I am debating wether i should post it here or not.
I am actually debating if i just want to get rid of it..
I just want to get fucked up..
and be a world of perpetual drug induced love.
Love of life, and love of people.
I have yet to decided wether your drug induced anythings, are real. Or are they false.
I have no idea.
I want to be thin.
I want to be perfect.
I want to be everything that i am not.
I want to take back that which i know.
and trade it for the ignorance i dont have.
"It's sleep, life, and
It's speed, coke, and meth"
And the list goes on and on and on.
First live journal post ever.... on this name...... HA.
I am at work and i am bored, what more can i say?
I am going out tonight with Matt tonight, and i dont know who else. We are going to get our party on, and see clerks 2 and then im going to take a nap...
What is going on Saturday?
I could have dinner with my uncle... but i think that i am going to opt out on that one. I am not a huge fan of family affairs.
Death Guild Dani, this upcoming monday? It could be fun, oui?
Well this is all i know